I will be the first to admit that Florida, on the whole, has been good to me. When my parents announced that I was on the way, the first thing my granddad did was put a pool in his backyard in Ormond Beach. Some of my favorite people live here and have lived here almost (and in some cases all!) of their lives. As a kid, I can remember looking forward to going to Florida to vacation with my family (my grandparents, Uncle Mike, my cousin Jason), as well as when I became an "adult" (including a free place to stay on Spring Break for me and as many of my friends that could pack into my car!). When I finished up at USC, I honestly couldn't wait to get out of there!! I moved to Florida with my puppy Mac (stayed with my grandparents - Ol' Granddad even gave me the mother-in-law suite, and if you knew my grandfather, you'd know what what a true sacrifice THAT was!) the day after graduation to start looking for jobs because I knew my parents would be moving to take new jobs at UCF in July (which, playing on the my benefiting from FL angle, they made more $ in their positions at UCF).
Florida gave me my first real job (which led to an arguably successful career); UCF gave me a master's in business that helped me gain more credibility in my career; I met some WONDERFUL people and life-long best friends here; and when I needed an escape as a single parent, it gave me a place to come back home to and a means to begin a second career.
So why would I want to leave such a place? Glad you asked! :)
20. Most people are in perpetual vacation mode. Vacations are great, but if you act like you are on one all of the time, it is hard to get things done.
19. Blue Hairs. Normally, I love old people. They have a lot to offer my generation (X'ers), not to mention the Millennials and even some of the Boomers. I specialized in "old school" pension/retirement plans, and I treated every person I spoke with like I'd want someone to treat my grandparents. I have even been known to volunteer at geriatric facilities, and I wanted at one point to change my career focus to work in nursing home care. But the elderly in this area are straight up crazy. And they all still have driver's licenses, which makes it much, much worse.
18. Florida Drivers. There is a report that shows that 5-6 of the top 10 deadliest intersections in the U.S. are in Florida. This is not a coincidence.
17. Lightening strike capital of the world. Need I say more?
16. This is not The South. Maybe geographically, but certainly not in terms of friendliness. My next door neighbors moved in ~12 years ago now... I took a dessert that I baked over to them to welcome them to the neighborhood. They looked at me like I was crazy; they never returned my dish; and I am pretty sure they are the folks who report every single thing that happens at our house to our HOA.
15. No one is from here. Especially in Orlando. Sports teams can't really survive because people go to Magic games to watch the Celtics from their hometown of Beantown play. Or the Knicks. Or the Bulls. Or any other team but the Magic.
14. New Smyrna Beach (one of the most accessible beaches in our area) = shark bite capital of the world. That is all.
13. Any tropical animal species can survive here. Thanks to all of the jerks who brought South American boas and then decided to dump them in the Everglades. I have seen them crawl out of storm drains in Oviedo. No lie.
12. Crazy law-makers. Stand Your Ground... Yes, there are some good points to it, but it was written in a way that was WAY too vague. See #10. (And there are many more of these types of laws where this one came from.)
11. Crab grass (aka St. Augustine Grass) - have you ever SAT on that stuff? Not good. No picnics.
10. Casey Anthony; George Zimmerman. Not Guilty. Really?
9. Tourists. It's just too much. We have traffic laws that we actually follow here. We also do not stop in the middle of the road to read a map. We don't come to a standstill in the middle of the walkway at Disney because we need to decide what to do next, thus making everyone else walk AROUND us.
8. Gators/Seminoles/Canes 24-7. Make it stop. We live in ORLANDO. Oh wait - there is a college D-1 football team in the area? What? Down the street? Actually IN Orlando? And it's the 2nd largest school in total student population in the COUNTRY? So why does The Orlando Sentinel put them on page 2? And do you mean to tell me that there are OTHER teams in the country who are even BETTER than the ones in this state? Yes! Be sure to check the last pages in the tiny print with 20-word descriptions on the last pages of the paper.
7. NFL Sunday SUCKS. Jags, Dolphins, Bucs. Too many crappy teams that networks feel obligated to show so we get nothing else unless you spend $100/month to order an NFL package or go to a bar to watch the game with a decent team playing that people actually WANT to see.
6. Alligators. WTH?! They're in pools? Canals? Rivers? Lakes? Golf course water hazards? Mud puddles? Pretty much any body of water in Florida is guaranteed to have a 5-10 footer in residence. If you're lucky, maybe even a 12-15 footer might greet you once you sink into the sludge on the bottom that acts like wet cement and keeps you from being able to move an inch.
5. Lakes suck. See #6. But there are also 6 foot long water moccasins in case you aren't so worried about alligators.
4. Hurricanes. See 2004. Charley, Frances, and Jeanne. BACK TO BACK. And on weekends, just to make it worse. Not to mention the spin off cyclones. Yeah. I think I should have taken it as a sign when during the first year I lived here there was a major hurricane threat, a tornado touchdown in Winter Park, and the whole state was ON FIRE. Seriously. Google it. 1998.
3. Lack of "real trees." Yes Palm trees are lovely. Try stringing Christmas lights on one. Oh, and then try taking them down. I miss my pine trees and oaks and hickories and dogwoods... Sigh.
2. It's a sandbar. Look at a map. One solid tsunami and we are done. Earthquakes, sink holes... It won't be long, y'all.
And taking the top spot...
1. IT IS WAY TOO HOT HERE! I have dealt with heat. I grew up in Columbia, SC where, if you have ever been there in the summer time you know that it is ridiculous. I also worked at a summer camp sans AC and often any sort of air movement in rural Aiken (yes, RURAL Aiken, as if Aiken weren't rural enough). I have been to Louisiana where the swamp heat comes at you from all sides. Arizona has 100+ degree temps all the time. But the difference here is that it is HOT ALL THE TIME WITH AN INSANE AMOUNT OF HUMIDITY. Heat index anyone? It takes about 30 seconds for anything wet to turn into mildew here... MAYBE in December/January/February there is a break, but otherwise, it is just too damn hot. There is no "break" in the heat at night. It's still 90 degrees at midnight. My dashboard literally melted one summer. MELTED. That is not covered by most car insurance policies, FYI. No one dreams of an 80 degree Christmas. Maybe for one or two, but definitely not long term. My fireplace is probably a nature reserve for birds because we have owned this home since March of 1998 and never used the fireplace it came with. Also, I personally love to run outside. That is almost impossible to do here 6-7 months of the year unless you would like to invoke heat stroke. TOO FREAKING HOT FOR TOO LONG.
Okay, so now that I am finished with my rantings... I would like to reiterate that I am fully aware that some people truly love the state of Florida and cannot imagine living anywhere else. I respect that. I am also aware that many would consider my home state of South Carolina to be racist, backwards, redneck (though I'd argue that group is everywhere), and ignorant. Where I grew up, that was not at all the case, but I know that there are parts of the state that make it painfully obvious that we have a ways to go!
I am also aware that having now posted this, I can never run for any political office or marry a politician in Florida. Yeah, I can live with that ;) It may be paradise for many, but Florida is just not for me.
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